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Wednesday, March 22

Rabbit's Hole

"Rabbit's Hole"
Short Fiction - Humor
by Meleta McHarlin

You wouldn't think it possible, but you can squeeze the average body through a hole no larger than a seventeen-inch computer monitor. Let me tell you what happened. But before I do, answer this question. Have you ever done something that you later wished you hadn't?

It's all SuZ's fault! No matter how I look at it, it comes back to SuZ. Am I blaming someone else for my current predicament? Well, yes! She used the oldest trick in the book, and I fell for it. What's that old saying? "Fool me once, shame on you." Well she fooled me once--so shame on her.

Now you're thinking I'm a man who got bamboozled by a woman, aren't you? I knew you would. Sex, sex, sex that's all you people think about. But no, I don't have that excuse. I'm female, and a smart one. Like I said, she used the oldest trick in the book--guilt. That's right--guilt. There's nothing older or craftier than a well-placed phrase or question.

I've drifted off on my story. I'll start again.

It's all SuZ's fault! Now that I think about it, if I'd stayed home instead of going to an out-of-state college, chances are, I'd never have met SuZ. I could have gone to a local university, or a community college. I didn't really need to go to that school. I could have graduated, probably as valedictorian. Like I said, I'm smart, and had a happy and fulfilling life in my hometown. It's really not such a bad place. Well, maybe parts of it are pretty bad, but I can overlook that.

But even though I went to that school, I still could have gone my entire college career without meeting SuZ. But that damn Brad Forester introduced us at one of his parties. There were well over fifty people there, that means that I had a one if fifty chance that we'd meet, but because of Brad, the odds dropped to zero. Damn you, Brad! Hey, here's a thought, maybe it's Brad's fault.

I'll start again.

It's all SuZ and Brad's fault! Hmmm...Brad. Brad sure is cute. He's tall and muscular. He's sporting the popular goatee. He was in my Speech class. I sat across the room from him on Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 8am to 9:55 am. The minute I saw him, I wanted to get to know him. Okay, okay, I really wanted to have sex with him. I'll admit it. I never got the pleasure because of his stinking girlfriend Jessica. That slut doesn't deserve him! What could he possibly see in her anyway? Calm down. Get a grip. It's all in the past. Get over it. I would never have had the nerve to talk to him anyway. Except for Samantha, my best friend, took it upon herself to introduce us after I told her I had a secret crush on him. She swore she'd put it in the vault and take it to the grave. Lot of good that did. Lying bitch. I think she's now my ex-best friend. If she hadn't interfered, I would never have met Brad. I'd be home right now, watching TV.

I want to get the story straight, so I'll start again.

It's all SuZ, Brad, and Samantha's fault! It's all a conspiracy. I can see it now. They were out to get me from the start. It was all some master plan cooked up by their three scheming, conniving minds. What did I ever do to them?

What's that? I think I hear the sirens coming. Yep, it's definitely sirens. SuZ called 911 about ten minutes ago. She was laughing so hard she could barely speak. She said they almost hung up on her. They thought it was a crank call.

Samantha has been pulling on my arms and Brad pushing from behind for about an hour. So far no luck. Hence, the local county rescue squad. I'm Pooh caught in Rabbit's hole. Could this night get any more embarrassing? Remember how I said it was possible for the average body to fit through a hole about the size of a monitor?

Apparently, I'm a little larger than average.

6 reactions:

Kelly Parra said...

Ouch. That's gotta hurt. *laughs* Great story, Meleta!! Thanks for sharing with FM. =D

kalbzayn said...

Very funny. It reminds me of listening to my sister talk. Every once in a while I have to force myself to pay attention, but in the end it is normally pretty funny.

stay_c said...

I liked how starting the story over showed that really, it was the narrator's fault.

Meleta McHarlin said...

Thanks everybody. I appreciate the positive feedback!

Jeff said...

This was a great flash fiction, Meleta. Nice pace. Thanks for sharing. :)

Jack said...

really enjoyed the voice in this quirky little tale.