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Showing posts with label DT Kelly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DT Kelly. Show all posts

Sunday, April 9

Conversation With a Friend Over Coffee in a Yuppie Book Store

"Conversation With a Friend Over Coffee
in a Yuppie Book Store"

Short Fiction - Humor
by D.T. Kelly


Don’t be funny.

What?

Don’t be funny. I want you to write a serious story for once.

But that’s not what I do.

So, change what you do. It can’t be that hard.

It’s not like changing your underwear. There’s more to it than just saying ‘I’m going to write a serious story now’.

You’re always so dramatic. I want a story that doesn’t contain absurdity.

But, life is absurd.

You can’t do it, can you?

Do what?

Write something that focuses on a serious theme.

Sure I can. Remember “The Lesson”?

Okay. So you’ve written one serious piece in your life.

And what about all my earlier works?

You mean the ones you won’t let me read?

Oh, yeah. But take my word for it, they’re not absurd.

Okay, so you’ve just argued that you can do it, so do it.

Why?

Because; you’re always complaining that your writing seems stagnant lately. Branch out into the unknown.

Technically, it’s not the unknown. I mean there--

Ass. Just do it. I’ll give you a starter sentence. Ready?

Hold on. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, here goes. 'It all started with a bear.'

It all started with a bear?

Yeah.

A bare what, light bulb? bare ass? What?

A bear. You know, a grizzly. Roar. A bear.

Ok, so it’s a grizzly bear.

Well, it can be any type of bear you want.

But it can be a grizzly bear.

Yes, geez. It can be a grizzly.

Can it be a talking grizzly?

No, dammit, it can’t.

Can he have special mind powers, like yogi bear, that can make people give up their picinic basket?

Sigh. No.

I know, I’m sorry. Okay. I’ll start this now, if you want.

Really? You’re seriously going to do this.

Yeah, let me see what I can do here.

Okay. Good. You won’t regret it. Hey, I need more coffee, want one? I’m buying.

Sold.

Plain, right?

Hot and black.

Yeah, plain.

No, not plain. Pure.

Oh that’s right, you’re a purist.

I am! Forgive me for actually liking the taste of pure coffee.

Plain.

Whatever. Do you want me to do this?

Yeah. Tell me, do you prefer vanilla ice cream over chocolate?

Yes, actually.

Heathen.

To each their own. Now go.

All right.

Okay. 'It all started with a bear.' Hmm. When my mom saw it through our living room window she screamed. No, that sucks. Hey. I got it.

(Minutes Pass)

Here. I told the woman at the counter that you’re a purist and she said she never met one of those before. I think she thought I said puritan.

Shall I show her my scarlet letter?

Better not. I don’t feel like getting arrested.

Yeah, me neither. Thanks for the coffee.

Welcome. How’s it going, you have anything yet?

I do.

Well? Aren’t you going to share?

No.

Why not?

Because.

What are you, in fourth grade? ‘Because’ isn’t an answer.

Sure it is.

Says who?

‘Says who?’ Now who’s the fourth grader?

Gotta fight fire with fire, dearie. Share, dammit. I want to hear.

Fine. 'It all started with a bear. Sam knew he was in serious trouble as soon as he spotted the mass of fur in the river ahead of him. Worst of all, the bear looked hungry.' That’s all I have.

Good start.

I thought so.

Any idea where it’s going?

Of course.

Share?

No.

Why?

Because.

Back to fourth grade I see.

Gotta stick with what works.

You're such an ass.

I've never claimed otherwise.

True. So, you think this will be a good one?

A good what?

Story.

No.

What? Why not?

Because it's not absurd.

You're absurd.

Exactly my point.

You're impossible.

Well, which am I? An ass or impossible.

Both.

An impossible ass?

Yes.

Sounds like a title for a plot-driven porn movie from the seventies.

Starring Jack M. Hoff and Buck Driver.

Oh, so now it's a gay porn.

I never said that.

But you listed only male names.

Fine. Muffy McLight is in it too.

Muffy McLight? Sounds like a McDonald's value meal. 'I'd like a Muffy McLight, supersized please, with a diet coke.'

I think I have to go.

Getting hungry?

You're sick.

Okay, so let's sum up. I'm a purely dramatic, sick, absurd, impossible, heathen ass.

Yes.

And you expect me to write a serious piece?

Good point. Never mind. Keep writing as you do.

I knew you'd see it my way.